Wow, I’ve got to file this movie under “Surprisingly Good Movie Starring Steven Seagal.” I know, hard to believe, right? The only other contender I can think of right now it “Fire Down Below.” I think it was even more of a surprise though. “Under Siege” was looking real promising as soon as a maniacal Tommy Lee Jones started running around.
Overall it was an enjoyable movie that had enough fighting, explosions, and Tommy Lee Jones to be pretty badass. Even though the hero was played by Steven Seagal, I would not defame this movie by calling it a Steven Seagal movie. Rather, it goes in that sparsely populated category of “Movie That Happens To Have Steven Seagal In It , But Is Definitely Not A Steven Seagal Movie.”
Here’s the score (possible 10 points for each*)
*except for Badassary which counts for half the total score. (100 pts possible) Got to keep our priorities straight!
Martial Arts: 6
Dialogue Quality: 6
Dialogue Frequency: 7
Star Power: 5
(56+75)/2=65.5 Badassary.com score for “Under Siege” is 65.5/100
Spoiler Alert! Stop reading now if you don’t want to know how the movie goes.
There’s a big, badass boat called the USS Missouri. The cook is a young, fit, and thin Casey Ryback, played by Steven Seagal, the Captain is a likeable old coot, and the XO is a very blonde, very Gary Busey. With me so far? Any guesses?
Ryback wants to cook up some Bouillabaisse for the Captain’s birthday. But the XO says he’s bringing in a chopper with food, a band, and Miss July 89. The Admiral wants a party. Since the cook protests, he gets locked in the fridge while the party commences.
Meanwhile, the band plays on, led by a long-haired, leather-jacketed Tommy Lee Jones. He is of course only a musician in this movie. Not.
Who’s the highest ranking officer on the room? Show yourself. Be recognized. So that you can be shot. The ship is soon in the control of one deadeye musician and his band of mercenaries. But the cook is still in the freezer…
Of course, Ryback escapes, kills a couple of baddies and leaves a makeshift explosive device in the microwave. He just happens to have a special Navy Seal sat phone in his apron, which he uses to call the guys in a dark underground room who are planning to sink the ship he’s on. They tell him not to bother the bad guys, Seals are on the way. They, of course, never make it. He, of course, ignores their advice.
He gives the helpless damsel who hates guns a gun and proceeds to find some more baddies to shoot at. Along the way, he finds a few stranded misfits that the bad guys forgot to round up or kill. These characters die for dramatic effect and teach him how to load and fire 20″ shells at a supposedly sunken North Korean submarine. They suppose no more after a direct hit.
Tommy Lee’s ears are bleeding and he launches a couple of nukes at Honolulu. Soon after putting his leather jacket back on, Ryback engages him in a nice little knife fight. After Ryback figures out that he can’t stab his opponent through the thick leather, he scratches him a few times and then shoves a knife through his brain and then fries it in the radar for good measure.
The missiles are stopped, Case Ryback wears a full uniform, and the now badass Miss 89 gets a kiss.